You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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