wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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