You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
