I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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