It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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