my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
