I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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