i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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