last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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