i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize