i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
