Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
