Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
