I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
