Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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