I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
