bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
