What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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