i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
