Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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