I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
