its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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