I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
