I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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