no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize