dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
