Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
