I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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