Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize