my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
