I just pynch a tree in the face
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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