i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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