I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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