I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
