what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize