in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
