True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
