so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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