miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
