So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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