It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
