I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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