shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
