So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
