I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
