Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it's great music for shaving your balls
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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