Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
