I cut my penus on the lid.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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