i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
