can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
