My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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