I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
