I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
