I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
