My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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