take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
