Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
