worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
