and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just cropdusted the office
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
